The Philadelphia web-site has a very simple answer to the long-overdue 311 system, it's the Help Me page. It's no substitute for a full 311 system, but, in the meantime, the idea is pretty good. Assign city staffers that can ferret out the answers to different questions emailed in to one central email address.

Good in theory, but it's never, in my experience, worked. It was there in the Street Administration and it is still there under Nutter. There doesn't seem to be any difference. The City should either make the HelpMe@phila.gov system an important part of several city staffers jobs and make sure they do it right, or they should take the web-page down. Having it and seeing how poorly it works just makes getting around City Government even more frustrating. It's almost as if they are laughing at us.

The first time I emailed HelpMe, I did get an answer.

It wasn't much of an answer, though. I own the two lots next to my house and they are fenced off and I and my neighbor park our cars on them. It's a good deal for our street, because two cars get off the somewhat limited street parking and we only need half the length of a car to maintain access to the space, leaving more space for everyone else.

The problem is, people park in front of the entrance all the time so we often can't get in, or, worse, out.

So I wrote in to find out how you get those stripes painted on your street that denote the fact that no one should park in front of the entrance to the gate. Can you just do it yourself? Do you have to pay someone? Do you have to get it licensed?

That was my question.

The answer I got (I'm not making this up) was: "Not sure! I do know you're responsible for the curb cuts, though."

Did I ask about curb cuts? In fact, that's already done. Thanks. How about maybe looking into the question for a minute rather than going off the top of your head? If the people who receive the Help Me questions can't be bothered to research them, then what's the point of having the system?

That was under the Street Administration. Since then, I've tried HelpMe several other times. For example, once to tell them about a fire hydrant that was perpetually losing water along 12th Street just south of Girard Ave. Another time, to ask about some weird utility related thing in front of my house that seems to be broken.

Each time, all that I've gotten back from my questions or comments has been a bounced email message to some guy named Michael. I wonder if the person who used to forward HelpMe messages on has left City Hall and no one thought to reassign the job? I have no clue. All I know is that I've only ever gotten bounces. This just isn't the kind of thing I thought Nutter would let stand. I figured in his administration, the front line would be the first thing he'd look into and (definitely) anything on the website would be in working order, just in case anyone was actually crazy enough to try to use it.

This City is monstrous and its technocracy is confusing. Many people would argue that it's intentionally confusing so that you'll need the party infrastructure to get anything done. That's why we need people in City Government whose job it is to help us navigate it. How many times have you had a problem or seen a problem that you barely know how to describe, let alone who to call about it? So it's good that the City has its HelpMe page, but it should work. The emails should at least go to someone. There should be at least a modicum of quality control to evaluate the staffers' responses.

The fact that HelpMe@Phila.gov doesn't work is not as morally outrageous as Dan's fight with the Election Commission. In that, Democracy is at stake. In this, it's just our City's commitment to quality constituent services. Not nearly so big of a deal, but it does matter and it reflects poorly on our city to the people who will have the most questions: the ones trying to put their stakes down here.

This morning, I sent in a message saying: "No one actually sees these emails, do they?"

I'll be sure to let you know if I get an answer to that question.

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This Too Will Pass -- for the guts in your cerebrum.